Monday, February 4, 2013

Richard III Stays In the Hall of Bad Dudes

With he recent discovery of one of history's greatest villains, Richard III's bones, underneath a parking lot in Leicester (because it would have been unusual to find them in Scranton), much of the response has gone in an unexpected direction: maybe Richard III wasn't as bad a dude as Shakespeare made him out to be. Here at the Hall of Bad Dudes we have just response to that...

Richard III is one of the baddest dudes of all time, despite what some mamby-pamby archaelogists would have you believe that his bones actually show he was a bunch-backed, feminine wisp of a man. 

Richard III was such a bad dude they not only killed him, they shoved a sword up his royal ass until his pelvic bone broke. You don't give that type of special treatment to just a run-of-the-mill bad dude. They didn't shove a sword up princess Diana's ass. At least not that we know of. But now a lot of politically correct professor types think we should re-examine the facts and give poor old Dick 3 a second chance because Shakespeare was probably making the whole thing up because he was boning the queen and that everyone else did what he did, too, but here at the Hall of Bad Dudes we say there's no room for facts in history. None. Richard III was deformed, and probably a Manchester United fan and he shoved people in wine barrels and that's a double act of villainy when you consider how much that wine would be worth at current market prices. Richard III STAYS in this Hall of Bad Dudes, and no professor of whiney bitchology is going to change that. Here comes the obligatory "my kingdom for something" joke...

My kingdom for (fuck it, insert your own joke here, I've already written three sword up the ass jokes tonight)

Want to recommend a bad dude for this august assembly?

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