Sunday, February 17, 2013

Is Bad, Bad Leroy Brown Bad Enough For the Hall of Bad Dudes?

Does Bad, Bad Leroy Brown deserve to be enshrined in The Hall of Bad Dudes, as Jim Croce asserted back in 1973. Well, here at the HOBD we like to keep an open mind, but to be included in this collection of villains you've got to have a pretty crummy resume, so let's examine the evidence. 

"From the South side of Chicago..."
Sorry, but being from the greatest city on the planet ain't helping your case with this committee. Maybe there's more. Some conclusive evidence that Leroy Brown is a Bad Dude. Let's dig deeper.

Now Leroy he a gambler
And he like his fancy clothes
And he like to wear his diamond rings
On everybodys nose
He got a custom Continental
He got an Eldorado too
He got a 32 gun in his pocket for fun
He got a razor in his shoe

Let's get this straight: Leroy Brown likes cars, gambling, and nice clothes. hey, me too. You're going to have to do better than that to get in this Hall, Brown. Maybe there's more. Here's the rough stuff...

Well Friday bout a week ago
Leroy shootin' dice
And at the edge of the bar
Sat a girl named Doris
And ooh that girl looked nice
Well he cast his eyes upon her
And the trouble soon began
Leroy Brown learned a lesson
'Bout messin' with the wife of a jealous man

Hmm. Leroy Brown appears to like chicks, too. Shit, even the Popes in this Hall have banged more ass than the average badass, so I'm going to need a little more. How does this end...

Well the two men took to fightin'
And when they pulled them from the floor
Leroy looked like a jigsaw puzzle
With a couple of pieces gone

Sorry bout it, Jimmy Croce, but this allegedly bad, bad Leroy Brown, seems like a choir boy when compared to even the tamest member of The Hall of Bad Dudes. The verdict is in...

Leroy Brown, you are NOT in The Hall of Bad Dudes.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Oscar Pistorius Can't Outrun Hall of Bad Dudes

Violence against women is never funny. And for some reason it never seems to go away. Paralympic champion and Olympic semi-finalist sprinter Oscar Pistorius will be charged this morning for the shooting murder of his girlfriend, model Reeva Steenkamp, yesterday. Although many news outlets used the word shocking somewhere in their pieces about the story, the sad thing is acts like this aren't shocking. They're all too common. And for some reason they seem even more common in the world of sports, with Kansas City Chief's linebacker Jovan Belcher's murder of his wife and subsequent suicide last December being only the latest example.

Pistorius is being described as a gun enthusiast who lived in a state of paranoia, being his fame would attract those who wanted to kidnap him, rob him, or break into his home. What I learned from the story is that this a common theme in South Africa. Many of the wealthy there live in guarded, gated complexes, and hire personal security forces to keep out those who want to rob or kidnap them. The gun culture in South Africa is rampant. And violence against women is extremely common.

So common was the gun violence, and specifically the gun violence against women, that South Africa passed the Firearms Control Act of 2004. It restricts South Africans to one gun, either a handgun or a shotgun, for self-defense. Exceptions exist for regular hunters, but all weapons must be licensed, and gun owners are required to demonstrate that they are trained in gun safety and are free from mental instability and substance abuse.

The overall murder rate has dropped 50% since then, and cases of women being killed by someone they were intimate with have dropped from 31% to 17%. None of this will help Oscar Pistorius' girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp, but it doesn't take a lot of imagination to draw parallels between the culture of paranoia and gun violence we are learning about in South Africa and the current debate about gun violence in America.

Would even tighter gun control laws have saved the life of Reeva Steenkamp? It's impossible to say. But it has saved the lives of many women in South Africa. In the coming days and maybe weeks before this story fades from memory most of what we will here are jokes and sports' related references. But what I think this story has opened a debate about how one country is dealing with gun violence, and how what they have done either has or hasn't worked, and how our country might want to learn something. 

This is what Oscar Pistorius looked like in one of his finer moments. 

And this was Oscar Pistorius yesterday. A reminder we don't really know anyone just because we see them on a television screen. Oscar Pistorius, welcome to The Hall of Bad Dudes. 

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Ted Nugent Can Wango Tango His Ass To Russia For All I Care

Rock star/gun rights advocate Ted Nugent is attending Tuesday night’s State of the Union address, Rep. Steve Stockman (R) of Texas announced Monday.

Sure, Ted Nugent loves freedom. He's just not prepared to fight for it. Here's what Ted the Sledge told The Detroit Free Press in 1990: Nugent told the Detroit Free Press in 1990 that he meticulously planned to get out of the war. He stopped bathing 30 days before going before the draft board and later ate nothing but junk food and Pepsi. A few days before his appointment, Nugent started defecating in his pants. It obviously worked — and it's a good thing, because "if I would have gone over there, I’d have been killed, or I’d have killed all the Hippies in the foxholes. I would have killed everybody."

Sounds like a real hero to me. Of course, unlike wild game, the Vietcong shot back. 

Nugent claimed he would either be dead or in jail at this time next year if Obama were  re-elected President. So we all have that to look forward to. Hopefully the Secret Service gives his pack age a tight squeeze tonight. Then again, I'm not sure they'd find him packing. Hey, but Ted Nugent loves the ladies. There's nothing more American than that, right? Only trouble is Ted likes em young. Real Young.

In 1978 Ted Nugent met Pele Massa. Only trouble she was 17. So he arranged with her parents to become her legal guardian. How that made him less of a scumbag is beyond me. But, seriously, Nuge loves the ladies, especially feminists, who he said of... "What’s a feminist anyways? A fat pig who doesn’t get it often enough?" Does anyone see a pattern forming here? A tough-talking guy who doesn't want to fight in the war, doesn't want to deal all-growed up women, and likes to shoot things that can't fire back. Sounds like a coward to me. Ted likes Blacks, too... "I use the word n****r a lot because I hang around with a lot of n****rs, and they use the word n****r, and I tend to use words that communicate," he said.

Seriously, what a sleeze. You'd think, being a rockstar who likes to shag underage girls and play the gee-tar, Ted would at least have one thing in common with the rest of us red-blooded American men who actually like women who have an opinion... beer. Wrong.

So, this Blatz is for you, dickhead. I hope you enjoy listening to a real man who respects women and his fellow citizens speak tonight. I hear he is a gracious host as well as being capable of enduring the barbs and resistance of idiots such as yourself as he cleans up the mess he was left by his predecessor. America is a great place and the fact that a piece of trash like you is allowed anywhere near a man like Barack Obama is proof of that. Now you may go.

Hey, Ted, want to have a beer with the President of these United States of America.? Oh, I forgot, you hate beer. Pussy.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Ten Popes Named To The Hall of Bad Dudes

The Vatican is a pretty shady place. History confirms at one time or another the Vatican has been used as a brothel, a drug den, a rape and torture dungeon, the scene for Satanic rituals, and other atrocities too revolting for the delicate sensibilities of this August assembly. More depraved, diseased psychopaths have passed through the Vatican than the Baltimore Ravens locker room. So, to choose one worst Pope is a task better left to more divine intellects than mine. I'm sure they'll all get their day in court. The history of Popes started out quite ugly when one of the first Popes...

1) Sixtus III (432-440). Seduced a nun, and was put on trial, but saved his bacon by quoting the most classic scripture of scumbags, "Let ye who are without sin cast the first stone." Everyone there apparently knew what he meant because they let him go back to plowing through the nuns like a rabid French Bulldog on Viagra. But we're just getting warmed up. Sixtus III was a beginner compared to some of the Vatican's later occupants. If you want to make this list you got to do better than raping a few nuns. How about instituting a policy of torture that was used to inflict more pain in more cruel and sadistic ways than almost anyone else who ever lived. I got the Pope for you...

2) Innocent IV (1243-1254). The Inquistion, what a show
The Inquistion, here we go/We know you're wishing
That we'd go away
But the Inquistion's here and it's here to stay 
Most famous victim of The Inquisition: Galileo for his heretical belief that the Earth revolves around the sun. The dude who started it all. 

3) Pope John XII (955-964). You like-a  da rape of your virgin daughter you sent on a pilgrimage to the most holy of holies? You like a Pope with enough of a sense of humor to invoke the name of Satan to help him with rolling the dice? You like a Pope who gets beat to death Sam Cook style by a jealous husband? Boy have I got just the Pope for you.

4) Alexander VI (1492-1503) Hey, if you got a swell crib like The Vatican, why not throw a bunch of orgies, invite every Euro trash piece of filth, and party like it's 1999? Sure, the Papacy had been secularized and pimped out to the highest bidder at this point, but is it too much to ask to not use the Holy Grail as a bong? This guy banged his own daughter there in the Vatican. Naked little boys jumping out of cakes... hey, it's still early in the evening. This Vatican thing is way too sweet to use as permanent housing for a bunch of stick-in-the-muds. All a small price to pay for his support of Michelangelo

5) Pius XII (1939-1958). First of all, this guy just looks like a cocksucker. Secondly, if you look at the years when he was Pope you know WHAT he did, or didn't do. I imagine the call went like this "Genocide?" "Well, normally WE do that, but be my guest. Good luck breaking our record." "I feel confident." "I'm sure you do, Adie. Let me know if I can help in any way. I got a sweet tax-free setup here." 

6) Sergius III (904-911). 911 is about right on this guy, because he was a disaster. Even his cardinals referred to him as "the slave of every vice." Seems to be a pattern, doesn't it? He had a son with his teenage prostitute mistress, who was thirty years younger than him, and guess what, the little bastard also became Pope. This was the beginning of the church's "dark century." How they chose one over any other is a mystery, but apparently even they thought this shit was getting a little bananas. 

7) John XII (955-964). Just sixteen when he was crowned, coronated, or whatever one does to name a Pope, this dude had all the pep he needed to bed not only his sisters but everyone else around. I mean, what the fuck kind of moron bin have you dickheads been running all these years, and why aren't the rest of us killing you? I guess this would have been during what even the church considered their "dark century." You'll be happy to know this twat also got Sam Cooked and had his skull crushed by a real man. I feel nauseous even writing about this Catholic garbage. How do you people stand yourselves, being responsible for so much of history's evil and suffering, and simultaneously being responsible for suppressing anyone who tried to lift humanity out of the misery you had caused? On with the show...

8) Leo X (1513-1521). Is it just me, or do a lot of these dingbats look like John Lovitz? This dingbat did what was almost impossible: he bankrupted the church. To his credit, he had a good excuse: there was a helluva lot of good art out there, and he wanted it. He had a good solution to the problem. Sell papal indulgences to any sinner who had enough money and wanted to buy their way into Heaven. I'm pretty sure that's what God intended. Fortunately, there was at least one man of principle around, Martin Luther, so this dickhead inadvertently spurred a lot of good art to be preserved and led to the Protestant Reformation. I'm not sure there are any Baptists out there willing to thank him, but most of them can't read anyway.

9) Boniface VIII (1294-1303). After massacring the entire population in the Italian town of Palestrina, Boniface VIII (1294-1303) indulged in ménages with a married woman and her daughter and became renowned through Rome as a shameless pedophile. He famously declared that having sex with young boys was no more a sin than rubbing one hand against the other — which should make him the patron saint of Boston priests today. The poet Dante reserved a place for him in the eighth circle of Hell. Well, before I go vomit, we have one last pope on a rope to chronicle here in the Hall of Bad Dudes. It's sad but true to say I don't have to stop here. I want to stop here. 

10) Sixtus IV (1471-1484). Decamping back to Rome, the papacy hit its true low point in the Renaissance. (Church historian Eamon Duffy compares Rome to Nixon’s Washington, “a city of expense-account whores and political graft.”) Sixtus IV, who funded the Sistine Chapel, had six illegitimate sons — one with his sister. He collected a Church tax on prostitutes and charged priests for keeping mistresses, but critics argued that this merely increased the prevalence of clerical homosexuality.

There you have it, my fine feathered fiends. Feel good about yourselves today, because unless you have a prodigious appetite for villainy, and some fine digs with a history of evil second to none like The Vatican, your sins this day will appear rather mild when you meet your non-existent gods to explain them. Welcome to The Hall of Bad Dudes ten of the worst popes of all time.

The Hall of Bad Dudes

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Lance Armstrong Is a Bad Dude

Most of you will be surprised it took so long for me to induct Lance Armstrong into The Hall of Bad Dudes, but the fact is I already did back in 2005 when I started writing about how I thought he was a cheat and a fraud, and aside from that just an asshat. The response at that time was 75-90% that I was the jerk for pointing it out and (remember this classic?) "He's never failed one drug test." Well, here's a news flash for you... Lance Armstrong still hasn't failed a drug test. Seven years later whenever a discussion about Lance Armstrong broke out with increasingly well-documented evidence that he was a cheater, a jerk, and defrauding those who worshipped him as a cancer crusader, there was still an overwhelming number of people burying their heads in the sand and defending him.

Until a few weeks ago. Now you can't seem to find a single person on the planet who will admit to be one of the deutschbanks who defended him. But you did, didn't you? And there were a whole lot of you. Aside from constantly reminding us he had never failed a drug test the second prong of their defense was that look at all he's done for cancer research. Yes, by skimming all that money off the top then selling his website to the highest bidder.

I'm not going to go through the long list of reasons why Lance Armstrong is deserving of enshrinement in The Hall of Bad Dudes. I've been doing that for seven years. Really this induction is more about YOU. Yes, all of you who fought tooth and nail against reason, decency, and the overwhelming evidence every step of the way. Those of you who were so smug even just a few months ago telling the rest of us any investigation of Lance Armstrong was a "waste of government money." Wrong very much? I realize most of you are on to defending the next scumbag. Maybe somebody like Ray Lewis or Lebron James, but here at the Hall we don't celebrate petty villains. 

No, Lance Armstrong, you are. A bad dude, that is. Welcome to the Hall of Bad Dudes. We're building a special wing and making it large enough for all your acolytes. Free admission with a Lie Strong wrist band.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Richard III Stays In the Hall of Bad Dudes

With he recent discovery of one of history's greatest villains, Richard III's bones, underneath a parking lot in Leicester (because it would have been unusual to find them in Scranton), much of the response has gone in an unexpected direction: maybe Richard III wasn't as bad a dude as Shakespeare made him out to be. Here at the Hall of Bad Dudes we have just response to that...

Richard III is one of the baddest dudes of all time, despite what some mamby-pamby archaelogists would have you believe that his bones actually show he was a bunch-backed, feminine wisp of a man. 

Richard III was such a bad dude they not only killed him, they shoved a sword up his royal ass until his pelvic bone broke. You don't give that type of special treatment to just a run-of-the-mill bad dude. They didn't shove a sword up princess Diana's ass. At least not that we know of. But now a lot of politically correct professor types think we should re-examine the facts and give poor old Dick 3 a second chance because Shakespeare was probably making the whole thing up because he was boning the queen and that everyone else did what he did, too, but here at the Hall of Bad Dudes we say there's no room for facts in history. None. Richard III was deformed, and probably a Manchester United fan and he shoved people in wine barrels and that's a double act of villainy when you consider how much that wine would be worth at current market prices. Richard III STAYS in this Hall of Bad Dudes, and no professor of whiney bitchology is going to change that. Here comes the obligatory "my kingdom for something" joke...

My kingdom for (fuck it, insert your own joke here, I've already written three sword up the ass jokes tonight)

Want to recommend a bad dude for this august assembly?

Friday, February 1, 2013

Charles Schulz Was Kind of a Cruel Bastard

Imagine this scene: the Lincoln Theater in Freeport, Illinois, 1977. A packed house full of excited children. The curtain slowly starts to open, because they really did have a curtain in front of the screen. And the feature begins. It's Race For Your Life, Charlie Brown. The movie is exciting and fun. Disney was all but dead in 1977 so The Peanuts were a huge deal. I know in my life they were. But a huge deal in a traumatic way. But that's not unusual because looking back The Peanuts are a franchise based on scapegoating a small boy named Charlie Brown for all the problems of the world, created by a man who by all reports was a miserable and cruel father and husband, Charles M. Schulz. In fact, here's the first Peanuts strip ever.

What the hell? And forever after Charlie Brown was the butt of everyone's anger. What the hell kind of warped crap was that? Even as a child I really did not like The Peanuts, and as it turns out my intuition that this was cruel and cold and needlessly mean was verified when I learned Charles M. Schulz was indeed exactly that as a person.

If you want to inflict crippling depression on a child, make them sit through Bon Voyage Charlie Brown. (And Don't Come Back). 

It turns out Schulz was a serial cheater who wasn't very well liked by anyone who had to deal with him. He was described as mean, aloof, arrogant, bitter, and cheap. Here is how one person described him...

2 Well...I grew up in the front row on this one! I knew Sparky, his wife Jean ( a very well respected and well loved woman in the community), their sons Craig and Monty, daughter Jill... 
Sparky was very uncomfortable socially. He held an annual Senior Olympics Hockey tournament at his ice rink in Santa Rosa, and many of the people in attendance didn't like him at all. He was described as aloof and arrogant; I think it was more his social ineptness that cast him in that light, though aloof was fitting. My own personal experience was that he was a grumpy sourpuss of a man who rarely smiled (when he did it seemed pained), was very picky, demanding, and didn't like us (the kids who played hockey there). He liked the figure skaters (Jill was quite accomplished and a very nice person), and let them get away with murder. Their messes and bullshit always got blamed on us. 
I liked 'Peanuts' as a kid. I didn't care for Sparky.

You can find dozens of anecdotes like this with a simple search. I also saw a lot of people defending him and saying his work outweighed whatever type of person he was in real life, but my point is I always found the work itself cruel. I never learned anything positive from Charlie Brown or went away feeling anything but depression. Maybe a lot of people liked Peanuts because they identified not with Charlie Brown, but those who heaped the abuse on him. They were the bullies and selfish, greedy users for whom nothing was good enough. I don't know, but even this song destroys me and I can never be objective about Charlie Brown. "He's only a boy named Charlie."

I hope you found a calm, happy place in the afterlife, Charles M. Schulz, but regardless of the positive impact you seem to have made in the life's of many there's never an excuse for cruelty, so I'm still inducting you into The Hall of Bad Dudes

Writer's Note: I did not enjoy writing this blog. My feelings of ennui about this subject are valid. Charlie Brown was a big deal when I was a kid and watching him get kicked around wasn't at all funny for me and didn't teach me anything about adversity. It just made me sad. For my fourth birthday my mother went all out. I had been sick most of my early life and we were dirt poor and she wanted to do something nice. I remember this magnificent Charlie Brown cake she had made and how she was inconsolable as the cake slid down the side of the refrigerator. Seems appropriate but I had the blanket I got that day which read "Happiness is friends" for many years. So, if anyone thinks I want to discover someone who had a very big impact on my life was a rather miserable person who treated others badly you're wrong. It's just who he was.